How often have you known something in your life needed changing, but you didn't want to stir the pot? In some way you felt comfortable like that pooch in the pic above. You know he isn't going anywhere anytime soon, have you ever felt that way in life and decided you'd make the change later? You know, a relationship that wasn't that bad and better than nothing. Small signals that perhaps your health was off. Is your boss asking you to do something that doesn't set quite right with your personal code of ethics, but in today's economy you don't want to risk losing your job? Maybe you know your sister is in a bad relationship, but on the surface everything is fine, so why say anything? You know you need to lose weight, but aside from a small raise in your blood pressure, all else seems fine, so you'll make those diet changes later.
How often have you not made a change because the devil you knew felt like a better choice than the unknown?
How often have you talked yourself out of recognizing the areas of your life that weren't on track simply because you didn't want to make waves?
Aren't we a funny people? We cling to whatever is comfortable, even when we know it isn't good for us. I've noticed recently that I've become comfortable in my life now that the pain of the year has settled. Those of you who know me and know what I've been through may find that hard to believe, but everything from my friends, to Dale, to the ritual of midnight pancakes, to my writing has gotten comfortable and at least for me, when I'm comfortable, I'm not as motivated as I need to be, not as interested in stirring the pot. My pace slows and the goal seems to get further and further away. This bothers me because in the past, I've needed the pain of life to prod me into moving, into making those life changes I know are the right things, but I don't engage when things are calm, because after all, why would you want to cause upheaval in the middle of comfort?
I've spent most of my life, from the time I was 13, living from crisis to crisis. I grew adept in making life choices based on the circumstances I found myself in. It was all I knew how to do. Until very recently I never knew there was any other way to live! Until recently I didn't realize that you could change things up even when life seemed calm. That calmness was not the equivalent to rightness.
That the still small voice inside you speaks to you quietly all the time, but I only knew god by how he saw me through those crises. I knew he was there helping me through, but I never realized he'd been speaking to me way before that crisis ever hit. I've learned differently this year and because of that, I'm trying to choose differently, especially now that I've hit an expanse of comfort.
I don't want to be the person who the whole damn house falls in on before she wakes up and sees what a mess her life is in. That was me last year when I knew I needed to get out of the relationship with Dale. I knew I needed to get far away from his kids, but my good girl idealism got in the way. I'd made a commitment, I don't walk out on commitments... but that voice inside me, the one I personally recognize as the spirit of god was telling me to go... and I didn't listen... I argued.
I said I have nowhere else to go. I said they need me. I said, I love him. I said, I can't give up on those boys like everyone else has... I said a lot of things when what I should have said was, okay, where do I go?
This was a very costly lesson for me, bringing a lot of pain not only to myself, but to both my own kids and that's fine, its behind us now and we are on the road to healing, but I need to avoid ever making this mistake again. I need to be the woman who listens to her instinct, her god voice, her intuition, whatever you want to call it, but I need to train myself to hear the whispers and not need the devastation of my life imploding before I make changes to get or keep my life on the right track.
I wrote Saturday about how I believe blessings can turn into crisis if we are not prepared for the blessing when it arrives. I also said how I believed Florida to be a great blessing on the horizon for me and I need to be preparing for it. However, this life which has become so comfortable is trying very hard to suck me in and keep me here and what I don't want is to need pain of some sort to push me into completing the many tasks that lay between me and prepared.
It's so strange how, despite everything I went through the last 2 years, there's a part of my brain that still wants to just settle for comfortable. Have you ever been in that place? Maybe your stress symptoms are starting to show up in headaches or nightmares and you know you need to make a change, but you think, I can handle it, and I don't have the strength to do all the things I'd need to do to achieve that change anyway. I mean, lets face it, change takes a toll as well. It requires much of us and there are no guarantees of success. I think this is why we so often don't want to see that thing which needs changing. Because if we see it, then we have to do something about it, or at the very least, acknowledge that we won't do anything, in which case we shoulder all the responsibility for when our lives finally blow up.
I guess I'm just trying to understand how I can sit here and be comfortable and not walk my mile, or not write my chapters, when I know so deeply what I want. I don't understand why my motivation wanes. I don't understand why I'm not working day and night to get to Florida as fast as I possibly can. That being said, I don't really care how I feel about this, I've made this decision from my gut and I know it's the right one so I'm going to Florida come hell or high water. I'm making the changes necessary. I'm doing the work, even if its not as much or as fast as I wish. In the end, I think its about training. I think I need to recondition myself to do what's required without feeling pain first. I'm sort of like Pavlov's dogs... and I need retraining!
I need to make the moves, do the work, even though there is no pain pressing in on me. Because if I can do that, then I think I've won. I think all the way around I'm stronger and I can achieve greater things than I'm capable of now.
We all have to start this journey somewhere so I'm starting here, I'll find ways to remind myself why I'm going to Florida, why I need move on from here even when it seems comfortable. I'll do the work to the best of my ability every day and when I'm feeling weak, I'll reach out for help, even if that only comes as a desperate post on facebook, because I see this as a place of weakness for myself and I intend to change it.
I believe once we see something, we have the power to change it. How about you? Is there something in your life you aren't wanting to see, but you feel it somewhere in your body? What are you supposed to be doing that you're not? What are you avoiding? I'm not trying to be pushy, but I believe to the depths of my soul that it won't go away by ignoring it and if I can save even one person from having to go through what I went through this year, I'll do whatever it takes, including sounding like a pushy bitch. ;-)
So I'm asking, you don't have to share with the class, but look at your life. Look hard and look honest. I promise you, no matter how hard it may seem to change whatever it is, it's better then letting your life implode. I've been there and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Have a great Monday and find a moment to touch base with yourself and breath. Until next time ~ Samantha
Find older posts in this series Here.
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